have you been ghosted?

by Inger Sjogren, LPC, NCC

Getting “ghosted” means that your romantic partner suddenly disappears with no explanation.  Your phone calls are unanswered. Your texts ignored. Your emails unreturned. Poof! That special someone vanishes without a trace.

You are left wondering what you did wrong.  You ask yourself why you didn’t see the signs.  You are tempted to self-flagellate while trying to figure out why you’ve been kicked to the curb.  What have you done to be undeserving of a face-to-face breakup?

Breakups are tough enough.  But ghosting is absolutely demeaning.  It is psychologically diminishing. Why? Because you have been denied the opportunity for discussion and closure.

How could someone with whom you have been intimate, shared secrets and dreams and fears, treat you in such a way?  You oscillate between righteous anger at the spineless culprit and self-directed blame for your (choose one: stupidity, vulnerability, obtusity….).

Why has ghosting become so common?  The impulse to disappear from an unsatisfying relationship has likely been in our DNA since the first caveman and cavewoman decided to share a cave.  However, the proliferation of dating venues such as Tinder, Match, Bumble and Grindr creates a prime environment for daters to act on this impulse without facing social consequences.  The ghoster incurs no cost. Dating has become a commodity-based business. Dating apps create a marketplace in which users are both consumer and product. Choosing a partner has become a shopping cart experience.

The transformation of love life into a commodity changes the way we view and treat (and are viewed and treated by) potential partners.  We are more willing to cast away partners when our expectations are not met. With so many choices out there, it must be possible to find that one great relationship by discovering the right profile.  One quick swipe to the right and we are on our way with the next potential love interest.

So why were you ghosted?  Is there a personality trait that makes you more likely to be a victim of ghosting? Or to be a subscriber to ghosting?  The answer lies in the benefits that come from the act of ghosting. Ghosting is an indirect breakup method (as are dumping someone through email or text message) that benefits the dumper by eliminating confrontation and lessening the emotional difficulty of initiating the task.  Such an impersonal strategy is favored by individuals who fear commitment, avoid intimacy and shun emotional closeness.

Who are these individuals?  These are people who have an avoidant attachment style.  Attachment refers to the particular way one relates to other people. There are three widely recognized attachment styles: secure, anxious and avoidant.  An individual’s attachment style is formed within the first two years of life and is derived from the extent to which that individual’s emotional needs were met by primary caregivers (generally mom and dad). It is most likely that the avoidant individual experienced parents who were emotionally unavailable and detached or negligent. Their childhood need for nurturing and positive emotional input went unfulfilled. Once established, an attachment style persists and plays out in future intimate relationships. (It is important to note that a person’s attachment style also affects how they parent their own children.)  

So, about that ghoster...a person with an avoidant attachment style tends to suppress their feelings and struggles to be vulnerable with a partner.  Some psychologists suggest that an individual with an avoidant attachment style is emotionally unavailable and, as a result, is insensitive to the needs of others.  Ghosting is a viable choice for this person. If you aren’t the perfect love match for an avoidant, you are unceremoniously dumped and the relationship shopping continues.  Perhaps the ghoster is vaguely aware of the disposed of partner’s emotional state but it is inconsequential to them. The detachment they have from their own emotions makes it improbable that they be capable of an empathetic response.

Does this mean that the ghoster doesn’t really want an honest and true relationship? Not necessarily.  An individual with an avoidant attachment style desires relationships and is comfortable in a given relationship until they reach a level of emotional closeness.  Boom! At this point the trigger is pulled. The feelings that were repressed in childhood begin to undermine the present romantic relationship. Ghosting is the symptom of a learned response: reject and detach before being hurt. Ghosting is the avoidant’s response to vulnerability because it allows the avoider to maintain emotional distance while negotiating what could have been a stressful situation.

How can you spot a ghost? Ghost spotting is almost impossible until it is too late. There is yet to be an app that sends out a “ghost is in the house” alarm. The more important question is how to avoid being damaged by this type of emotional cruelty. One answer is to consider your own attachment style.

If you have a secure attachment style then you find it relatively easy to become emotionally close to others. You are comfortable depending on others and having others depend on you. You don’t worry about being alone or feeling unaccepted. Securely attached people feel at ease with both intimacy and independence. A securely attached person has a low risk of being thrown into emotional turmoil by ghosting because their healthy self-esteem protects them from feeling powerless due to lack of closure. Also, it has been observed that avoidant attachment types are not as likely to pursue an intimate relationship with a secure attachment type as they are with an anxious attachment type.

People with an anxious attachment style are prime targets for ghosters. An anxious attachment type seeks complete emotional intimacy with a partner and often works hard to overcome perceived reluctance on the part of the partner. They are uncomfortable being without a romantic relationship and often become overly dependent upon their love interest. Ghosters are drawn to this type because it satisfies their need to have control over their own emotions. The anxious attachment type is so focused on pushing the emotional intimacy button that they pose no threat to the avoidant’s highly protected vulnerability. The low self-esteem characteristic of this attachment style renders the individual susceptible to emotional dysregulation and plummeting self-worth when the avoidant takes the ghosting route. This individual suffers immeasurably because the ghoster did not provide the information necessary to emotionally process the experience.  Sadly, what could have been a disappointing or hurtful experience is catapulted into the realm of trauma.

The final word on ghosting: being ghosted is not a statement about you or your worthiness for love and respect.  It is an exclamatory statement about the ghoster: “I don’t have what it takes to be in a healthy intimate relationship with you and I don’t have the courage to deal with the emotional discomfort of ending our relationship.”  Poof! Gone.

The good news is that you have the ability to make sense of “what just happened?”  Through Attachment Therapy I can help you process the emotions that come with being left hanging with no explanation.  And, more importantly, I can help you understand your own attachment style to help prevent it from happening again.

 
 Inger Sjogren, LPC, NCC

Inger Sjogren, LPC, NCC

 

Let's get working on you.

Contact me to schedule a free phone consultation.

 
 
putting our own needs first feels...selfish. let's change that.

For many, the concept of self-care is akin to a foreign language - incomprehensible.

The idea of putting our own needs first feels somehow wrong, or even selfish. It's contradictory to what we teach our children - and to what we were taught as children: consider others' feelings and help those in need.

But when it comes to taking care of ourselves we lack the ability to put our own needs first.

The good news is that it’s never too late to learn to treat yourself as you do others. Here are some ways you can rewire your brain so it becomes increasingly easier to put yourself first, thereby recharging your life.

Learn to Say No

Being a caring and compassionate person is wonderful, but sacrificing yourself by saying “yes” all the time to other people’s needs will deplete your energy. Learning to set boundaries and say no is not only your right, it’s your responsibility. Try to start saying no more often, free of guilt.

Ask for Help

When you’ve taken on the role of helping others, it can feel uncomfortable asking for help when you need it. After all, you’re the one people go to when in need.

The thing to remember is, all of these people who come to you for help feel no shame or discomfort in asking for it. They need help, they ask for it, they get it. Try to do the same. As soon as you release the pressure you’ve put on yourself to handle everything alone, you will feel a tremendous weight lifted.

Get to Know Yourself!

Do you know what makes you tick? What do you like and dislike? People who are wired to neglect their own needs don’t typically know themselves very well. Knowing oneself is seen as a luxury they can’t afford.

Self-love and self-care require you get to know your SELF. Take some time to discover what you enjoy. Once you find what it is that pleases you, commit to doing it more often. Having more pleasure in your life will make you a happier person.

Taking these actions will have a tremendous impact on your life. As you get better and better at putting your needs first, you will feel happier and more empowered. You will know, deep down, that your own needs matter and you are worth the effort.

Some people have a tremendously hard time with these exercises because they have a very low self-esteem. And the longer you have lived with a low self-esteem, the harder it is to make positive changes.

In these instances, seeking the guidance of a trained therapist can be incredibly beneficial. A therapist can help you work through any childhood trauma and provide tools to manage any anxiety or depression that often accompanies a low self-esteem.

 
 Inger Sjogren, LPC, NCC

Inger Sjogren, LPC, NCC

 

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

 
The Gifts in Co-Parent Counseling

Divorce is difficult enough for everyone in the family – particularly the children. They are experiencing significant turmoil and desperately want their parents to get along and not fight. They need them to not fight. This will help them overall feel safe and feel as though things will be okay, even if it does not feel that way in that particular moment. The disruption that comes as a result of the divorce is difficult enough for them to work through much less the fighting. It can be too much.

Although parents feel the pain of the divorce as well and know that it is causing significant pain for their child or children, trying to find a way to make it work can be hard, as co-parenting presents many challenges. The rational part of the divorcees (for the most part) knows they need to get along and put their differences aside, but many times a divorce is difficult and being able to do that on an emotional level is something entirely different.

But it is possible: parents can absolutely develop a cordial and amicable relationship with each other once they become exes– especially for their children, who are depending on both halves of the whole to do this. Parents who were once raising their children under one roof can learn how to become better co-parents as they now have two homes to navigate. Being able to co-parent amicably can create healthier relationships for everyone – both parents and children. 

As a therapist who does co-parenting counseling, I help couples create new patterns of thinking and behaving. That is the long game – the long-term goal couples strive for when entering therapy. The short game, however, is to initially help couples remain calm and consistent while resolving and/or avoiding conflict. This helps create happier children and a healthier environment for parents and their children; it also gives them the ability to better resolve conflict or head it off by taking a proactive rather than reactive stance. Learning how to put aside negative feelings and put hurt and anger aside while keeping your children front and center is key. Co-parenting counseling allows each person to work out their issues with their ex to avoid this being done around your children. 

Although all families are different, there are several key areas that are often present: 

  • Improving communication and resolving conflict. Effective and healthy communication is key. Although ways in which divorced couples communicate vary, importance is placed on finding a common ground – a good way – to communicate. Not one way works for every couple. 
  • Critical contentious and challenging issues. Some issues are resolved over a cup of coffee, many are not. What are your challenging issues and how will you start to address these?
  • Strengths of relationship. Even divorced couples have strengths. Its important to identify these. This will help couples recognize that although they are divorced, they have had successes. Capitalize on them. 
  • How to move through change as children get older. Its important to recognize the developmental changes that children experience, will need to be taken into account as time marches on. 
  • Value of consistency between two homes. Although this is a perfect scenario, we all know it's not always possible. Strive for consistency to the degree that you can between the two homes. Think of what’s best for your children, not what you are comfortable doing – or not. 
  • Importance of creating strong relationships with your children. Children do best when their parents get along, they have a relationship with each parent, and are able to spend individual time with them. 
  • Blended family issues. As time goes on, many people find themselves dating and meeting new people. When blended families arise – and they often do – coparenting counseling helps address the many issues inherent in blended families. 

The gift in co-parent counseling is that you will learn how to build a healthier family post-divorce as you both move into the next chapter of your lives. And, because children take their social cues from their parents, you will be demonstrating how to be kind and compassionate towards one another even though you are no longer married. This will help them navigate their own changes that they are experiencing and teach them to treat all humans with compassion regardless of their relationships.

by Dr. Kristin Davin, Jan 22, 2017, https://kristindavin.com/the-gifts-in-co-parenting-counseling/

inger Sjogren
WHAT IS CO-PARENT COUNSELING?

Co-Parent Counseling is based upon the premise that while the couple is over, divorced parents still need to interact with each other. Co-Parent Counseling for divorced parents is not aimed at healing wounds each parent suffered in the relationship or at reconciliation. The sole goal of Co-Parent Counseling is to build a cooperative co-parenting environment. I help parents to redirect the focus to their children and teach skills that ensure that the interest of the children comes first. In high conflict divorces I often see parents trying to “win” arguments. Through therapy, I help both parents focus instead on how their children can win. The following strategies can help divorced/separated parents develop a healthy co-parenting practice:

  • try to remember what makes the other parent good as a parent (which is very different than being good as a partner)
  • establish ground rules for communicating
  • commit to keeping communication in front of the children respectful (including body language) 
  • set boundaries ("it's none of your business")  
  • acknowledge that "winning" is not as important as being a good parent.

Ready to get started?

CHILDREN EXPERIENCE DIVORCE DIFFERENTLY THAN THEIR PARENTS

 

Research shows that three factors help children of any age adjust after divorce:

  1. having a strong relationship with both parents
  2. good parenting
  3. minimal exposure to conflict

No real surprises here.

The challenge for parents is pulling it off in the midst of the financial, legal and emotional turmoil that often accompanies divorce. Children experience divorce in a very different way than their parents. Through counseling you can build skills that will enable you to support your children psychologically, socially and emotionally according to their stage of development.

The adjustment to parenting as a newly single parent can be isolating and challenging. My goal is to help you feel supported, prepared and confident.